HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER
by
Karen Gless, Ph.D.

Research shows that happy, successful couples know a good deal about each other. This article will give you and your partner a chance to learn more about each other, using a quiz about areas I cover in counseling. In the following article the names and circumstances have been changed to conceal patients’’ identities.

“Do you think I should marry my boyfriend Jack? Ruth asked, saying, “I feel bad telling you this but sometimes I'm not sure we have the same goals for our future.” Ruth was a busy, active, ambitious young woman I had known for years. And Jack was a very laid back young man. Ruth was beginning to feel concerned that he was less ambitious than she was.
As we discussed their relationship, we found they had a great deal in common and Ruth assured me that they really cared for each other. She was beginning to realize that he was a practical kind of guy who liked working with his hands--and that was one of the things that attracted her to him.
She, on the other hand, preferred planning and using her imagination in her work and in college. Sometimes she saw his practicality as a lack of ambition because he wanted to have a trade instead of going on to college.
As we talked I could tell she was becoming less judgmental of her boyfriend. She was beginning to see that they had differences and that just being different wasn’t wrong. She seemed more hopeful but I reminded her that she still had to decide if those differences would eventually become a major problem between them. I told her that one of the main reasons for dating is to get to know each other.
Instead of giving up on her relationship she decided to take her time and get to know him better. They still haven’t decided what to do about getting married, but they are really getting to know each other and this is much better than finding out after the ceremony.

The Big Three
Couples tend to argue about three main things: money, sex and children. Some of this conflict is due to the natural development of a relationship in which two people learn to compromise and share their lives together.
Some is due to couples not being realistic about their differences when they were dating and before they married or moved in together. Whatever the reason, a lot of hurt, anger, resentment and arguments can be avoided when couples get to know each other better in the beginning of their relationship.
Bob and Sherry fought constantly over money. She liked to spend money and he liked to save it. She called him a tightwad and delivered her opinion with a lot of contempt. I had them talk about how it was when they grew up. When Bob met Sherry, his family was well off, but during the early years of his childhood his parents struggled to start their business and they were very poor. Bob developed a life-long habit of thrift and saving based on the early poverty he experienced. Sherry didn’t know this about him and learning it really changed her opinion of him. Research shows that those couples who know more about each other, get along better and do a better job of working out their differences. And the beauty of it is that it is never too late to get to know or deepen your knowledge of each other. I’ve worked with couples who have been married for over 20 years, but hardly seemed to know each other. By simply getting to know more about each other’s history, goals, likes and dislikes, they grew closer and started working together better.

Before they both thought the other one had a “bad” attitude toward spending money. As they got to know each other better, they were able to appreciate each other’s differences and make adjustments. They still have occasional disputes over spending money, but now they have a basic respect for each other’s attitudes toward money and can work things out.

The following quiz covers many of the important areas for conflict and for sharing in a relationship. You and your partner can answer the questions and then compare the results. There are no correct answers. This quiz is designed to promote discussion and mutual discovery.

How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

1. For you, which room of the house is it most important to keep clean?
a. living room
b. bedroom
c. bathroom
d. kitchen
e. other __________

2. What makes you feel most loved? __________.

3. What is the thing about marriage or a committed relationship that is most frightening to you? ________________________________.

4. The three main goals I have in life are:
______________________________________
______________________________________
______________________________________

5. In lovemaking I prefer __________________________________.

6. When someone is angry I feel ____________________.

7. The best thing about the opposite sex is _____________________.

8. The worst thing about the opposite sex is ______________________.

9. To me children are ______________________.

10. The right way to discipline a child is________________________.

11. If I could change three things about myself I would:
______________________________________
______________________________________
______________________________________

12. If I could change three things about my partner I would:
______________________________________
______________________________________
______________________________________

13. The three main things I want out of a love relationship are:
______________________________________
______________________________________
______________________________________
14. How do you believe a conflict should be resolved?
A. Discussing options rationally D. Wait and see what happens
B. Getting my feelings out E. Keep my mouth shut and don't say anything
C. Do what is right F. Give in

15. The most important thing to do with money is:
a. Save it
b. Enjoy spending it
c. Spend it wisely
d. Not worry about it
e. Make as much as possible